Testing French Humour

Last night, we met up with Kathie and Graeme for a five day jaunt in the French Pyrenees. We are in a 17th century farmhouse... hosted by a charming French lady... who offers an evening meal as part of her hospitality. We showered, put on clean clothes... even found a pair of long trousers. Joining us at dinner were two French ladies... the only other guests staying at the farm house... who were not exposed to Australian humour... let alone Graeme's humour.

The evening meal started with appropriate decorum... testing the robustness of the ladies to handle controversial statements. French racial tolerance came under close questioning... and Dominique handled the stress by giving back as good as she got. Dominique is a lecturer in English at a local university... so she understood the subtleties of the dialogue. The other lady, Celine, had poor English... and Dominique had to translate summaries of the conversation.

After the meal, everyone was enjoying the wine and in a relaxed mood. At that time, Graeme asked Dominique how the French nation was responding to the Syrian crisis... where allocations of use of poisonous gas in their civil war have been made. He asked if it was accurate that the highest level of terrorist response was 'surrender'. Dominique asked what he was talking about... and Graeme produced a report from John Cleese. He started to read it... and Dominique started translating... the process broke down because of Dominique's uncontrolled laughter... Celine wanting to be told what all the laughing was about.

We were left in no doubt that at least two French people have a delightful, generous sense of humour. We were left in no doubt that Graeme's future career doesn't belong in the diplomatic corps.

The following is a reproduction of the John Cleese article:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

~ John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person. Regards